Dear Rusty,

Hey babe(:
Today was just a travel day, so there’s not much to say. I slept really well last night. I had a dream about you so it was wonderful.
On the plane, I tried to sleep but I sat next to this nasty snotty nosed kid who screamed the entire ride… Not quite the relaxing ride I was expecting, but I made it here safe. My grandmother is so adorable. She was waiting for me at the gate and started crying. She’s so cute.
Then her and her boyfriend, Joe, and I went to dinner. They finally let me drive. They never trusted me to drive, and I never trusted them to drive. Old people.
Anyway, I’m laying in bed, looking at the waves lapping up on the beach, thinking about how much I miss you. I wish you were here so much… We could just lay on this little beach and stare at the stars and hold hands. It would be very romantic. I love you so so so much.

hii! sorry about yesterday. i was super tired, but im also really tired today. but i love you so im going to write to you. 

nothing really exciting happened at school.. it was the day before spring break so even the teachers didnt want to be there. 3/4 classes had a study hall and 1/4 watched a movie. yeah it was that kind of day. 

but i didnt eat anything all day except for dinner because it was my special “birthday dinner” that i always have. 

its just me and anna (strakele) and we go to del frisco’s and  we get all dressed up and eat fancy food. its so much fun. it’s just a little something special we have always done. 

but im sooo full. i ate way too much. and i still have to pack to leave for Florida tomorrow… 

i have about half of it done. im doing some riding out there because my grandmother has horses, so i have to bring my boots and stuff and its just so heavy. poop. but i dont mind plane rides at all. in fact, i find them pretty relaxing. i take it as a time to not use electronics or anything and just kind of think to myself or catch up on sleep. its nice. 

im so excited to see my grandmother. she’s so sweet. sometimes shes crazy and racist and annoying, but i love her just the same. she’s the last grandparent i have left so i have to visit her as much as i possibly can. 

im going to finish packing and then go to sleep… 

i love you so so so much and i want to see you so bad that its killing me. seriously though. i love you. don’t forget that. ever. 

just woke up from one of my naps that turn into full on slumber. you were on my mind and i realized i didnt write today… i will write more tomorrow, i promise.

i  love youuuu

today i woke up. i didnt want to get up because i slept really well and my bed was really warm. but i got up anyway. and i ate. then i took a shower and got dressed. i went to school. talked to some people before school.

then went to dance. where i didn’t dance. well, no one danced. it was good because im still a bit sore from yoga yesterday. but of course, bennett made me do work for her because im brilliant and i cant waste my brilliance. ha. no. she made me design some more stuff for her. i dont know why people dont see things the way i see them, but i guess thats what makes everyone unique. it was relaxing. 

after dance i went to advisory and hung out. i like my advisory a lot. we talk about you a lot and it makes me happy. i like knowing that im not the only one who misses you. 

then i went to lunch and sat by myself because i pretty much hate everyone in there. i used to be able to stand the sophomores, but then that disintegrated quickly… im not even upset about it or anything. its a nice time to get all my homework done and get all my thoughts together. 

computer science sucked because i had to take TWO tests in a row. thats right. TWO. i did really bad on the first one but really good on the second one, sooo.. does that mean i did okay? it was a pretty boring class. 

in english, we basically had a free period because we were supposed to be peer editing our papers. michael sistrunk was my partner and he is a really good writer so i didnt have to do much. so i messed around on the internet for a while and i started looking at prom dresses. please please come back and take me to prom. theres no one i would rather go with. talk to your parents please.  

in theatre, we had another free period because.. i dont know why. but we had some interesting conversations. i dont really remember what they were fully about, but im almost positive they were about sex. i mean, its a bunch of teenage boys and me. what else are we going to talk about. 

then i went home, and shoved everything i possibly could into my mouth while “doing homework” (which means i was sitting in bed reading a book not related to school) it was really lovely. which brings me to where i am right now. 

laying in bed, writing you a letter on my phone. and i’m really happy. it just wasn’t a bad day. the only thing that could make me happier is obviously you. since nothing can make me happier than you. i really really want you to be here, but im not going to go into depth because im not sure who is reading these, and its awkward when people mention things that i write about in here… this is for YOU, and you only. i dont know why i let other people read it. probably because when i close it, i get a bunch of messages telling me that they loved reading it. 

conclusion of this post: i love you and i really really really really really miss you. i think about you every single second of the day and i wish you were here. i love you, rusty. i really do. 

hi. can i just tell you how much i love you? today was a weird day and i really needed you here. i miss you so much. 

i just got back from yoga and the whole time we were meditating and supposed to think of something that made us happy and calm, and you were the only thing i could think of. You center me and pull me down to earth. im going crazy.

I successfully managed to do all of my homework today and I have a B or above in all my classes. this whole exemption thing is really motivating me to do my work. more than college ever did. is that weird? 

i feel really relaxed right now. sammy is sitting behind my legs and he looks really really cute. 

i dont know why this came into my head just now, but when i talked to shannon yesterday, she said she had to give the letters to your parents. what if they read this. thats really scary. i hate it when people read my feelings and its not meant for them. (thats stupid because you have a blog with your feelings all over it) shut up, staircase spirit. i know. but its different because they are parents. but i guess they’re going to have to realize someday how completely head over heels in love with you i am. (you’re always head over heels because you stand upright.) SHUT UP, STAIRCASE SPIRIT. 

see. im literally crazy. i wish i had more exciting things to tell you about, but the whole school thing.. yeah i dont care about it anymore so i dont pay attention to anything.

but i did manage to scribble a little love note to you in my government notes: 

I love you so much, I wish you could see…I’ve never had anyone mean this much to me.I think of you every second of every day, I think how I love to talk and kiss and talk some more. It feels so right when I’m with you..I wonder if you feel any of that, too. Sometimes you make me wonder how you feel. Do you think that this could possibly be real? When you say you’ve never been happy before I start to wonder what I can do to give you more. You know I’ll practically do anything for you, I’m just not quite sure what it is you want me to do.You say you love me and you’re scared too, Just please remember I’ll always be there for you.

Hello good sir. How art thou today? 

im feeling in a rather medieval today. but it would be annoying as fuck if i wrote all of this post like that, so im just gonna be normal now. who am i kidding. i cant be normal. 

im trying to think if anything exciting happened today at school.

Oh! I talked with Shannon today. She’s so much like you. Even just talking to her for like, 20 minutes i was able to see similarities in gestures and just little sayings or how you say certain words. Even the conversation we had was like a conversation that we would have. it made me really happy. it was like you were back, but just tinier and girly. of course, the downside of this is that it made me miss you so much more intensely. seriously. if i dont see you soon, i just might explode. i need to talk you you about so many things. i want to hear your voice! 

im pretty sure ms. tuck hates me now because i didnt go to the vocal competition on saturday and im not in the musical. but i dont care anymore. only a few more months of this bullshit and im out. 

My birthday in on Sunday. All I want for my birthday is youuu. Cliche? i dont care. But I leave for Florida on Saturday. I think I get back on Wednesday. Even if you did come back for spring break, i would only see you when i got home. which would be enough. i need to see you and its just getting worse. my diet has gotten all weird lately which means im depressed about something and i think its you again. goddamnit. why cant you just be a shitty-ass boyfriend so I could forget about you? why do you have to be so fuckin perfect?! you’re killing me here! love is not pleasant. but it is amazing. (does that make sense? whatever) 

i love you so much. and i know ive said that before, but no matter how many times i say it, it still means the same thing. i love you. so much. i wish there were more words to express what i am trying to say, but there isn’t. i hate english. but i’ll just stick with i am madly in love with you for now. 

Hello, handsome. (thats you.)
Today was a good day. I went to catholic mass with Anna this morning. It actually wasnt that bad when the chairs have backs and you don’t have to sit next to a bitch who hates you and is wearing way too much Chanel no. 5. But yeah. It was kind of uneventful. Anna and Jo want to take me to a baptist mass after spring break… I don’t know how that’ll work out, but I’m open to everything.
Then we went and visited Ally’s grave. It was really sweet. We stopped and got really pretty flowers and we sang “If I Die Young” and “Let It Be” with Anna’s guitar. It was amazing. I definitely cried. I miss her so much. And I know I’m never going to see her again which is the worst part. She was such a great person.
But we came back to my house and did homework together until her mom made her leave. Then my mom and I went out for dinner to this place with a beautiful patio, but the food wasn’t very good. Definitely not worth the price. I hate it when that happens.
But hey, what can you do.
I thought about you a lot today. Anna and Jo are thinking of getting married soon. That’s scares me but it also makes me miss you like crazy. I want to do stupid impulsive things with you! I want everyone to know how much I love you! I would tattoo it across my face if it made you happy. But it probably wouldn’t so I won’t do it. I love you so so so much and no matter how far apart we are, that will never change.

It’s late so I’ll make this short, but I just got back from a party at griffin’s house. It was actually really fun. We did a bunch of nerdy stuff and played truth or dare. I feel like you may or may not appreciate the fact that griffin had to motorboat me, Ryan had to lick the space between my boobs and the best one, I had to stick an ice cube in my vagina. Ew. God. No. Not okay. It was so cold. But it made for an interesting night. I cant think of anything else in particular I need to tell you about, but if you’re angry about this stuff, first off, don’t be because it’s truth or dare and secondly, if you’re still angry then beat up spencer because he’s the one who came up with most of these ideas. Not that you wouldn’t beat him up anyway….
Enough about him. I’m exhausted. I’m going to church tomorrow with Anna and then going to see Ally. I love you so much! No matter what goes on in truth or dare, no one will make me feel the way I do about you and I love you tremendously.

and yet another unproductive day to add to the record books. 

literally nothing of merit happened during school, so im just going to skip over that part and go right to the part where i shove lots of food in my face and then sleep. 

which brings us to now, where i am laying in bed watching strange youtube videos and cuddling with joey. it’s been that kind of day. 

i dont know. it just wasnt normal. but i couldnt place my finger on why. 

i printed out all of my recent letters and gave them to shannon today so you should be getting those in the mail sometime soon. 

i am supposed to go to a regional singing contest tomorrow, but i left my music at school and i think im going to feign illness/family emergency as to why i can’t go. i also just really dont want to go.. i dont like singing in front of people like that. i know you’re probably like, “but you’re in musicals?” but thats different because im not me, im the character and in that moment, the emotions are so strong the only thing you can do is sing. but when it’s like, me and two judges in a oddly lit sunday school classroom that smells like tuna, it’s just not happening. i dont like it. 

im going to griffin’s birthday party tomorrow, which is more like a group of people hanging out and such. but i think it will be fun. i wish you were here to come with me. because i would enjoy that and i know everyone else would. 

i miss you so much. i want to talk to you. if i cant see you, i need to be able to talk to you somehow. i miss our long skype conversations. i miss those conversations where all we did was meow at each other. i miss everything about you and i love you dearly. if i could express how much i love you in words, i would tell you every day, but such a feat is impossible so I will settle for i love you. 

I’M DYING. 

nah just kidding, but it’s been a really stressful week. 

I really didn’t do much but ive just had a lot to do. does that make any sense? im sorry. im not making sense right now. i just got out of the hot tub and im all sleepy and relaxed. i wish you were in that hot tub with me. you know. just let your imagination go there. it would be hot. literally. because it’s a hot tub. 

yeah im not making any sense right now. but my mom, patrick, and i had a sushi/hot tub party with some white wine and religious discussion. 

so i’ve been talking to Anna Strakele a lot recently and she’s decided to be catholic. like officially catholic, and she’s going through with that and having problem with Jo (her boyfriend) because he’s so Baptist. So my mom, and patrick, and me and anna are going to catholic mass on sunday. i dont know why, but im kinda looking forward to it. but im not even religious or anything. dont worry. im not some crazy bible thumper now. im just messin around with religion.

yeah. so im obviously not making any sense at all… what’s wrong with my braaaaiiinnn?! i think im going crazy because i miss you so much. can you come back and stay here forever? will you come back and take me to prom? will you come back during spring break? will you come back and just sleep in my bed and cuddle with me for forever and ever? i would really enjoy that.

i love you so much. i need to rest my mind. but seriously. don’t ever forget that i love you and im always thinking of you. Je t’aime mon petit chou <3  

heeeeyy

today was mentally exhausting. 

i had a stats test, a theology and government along with a project due in apes. it was tough. but i made it though. i think i did fairly well on everything. 

right after school i had to go to the dentist and get my teeth cleaned. the only part of my dentist that i like is that i get a massage while they clean my teeth. its fuckin awesome. chuck norris goes to the same dentist. thats how awesome it is. but no matter what i do, i always get a headache. my mom and i went out for shitty chinese food after. it was okay. then i came home and did some homework (shocking..) and now im battling another terrible headache and im going to bed. 

but i just wanted to let you know how much i love you and that im thinking about you all the time. i miss you.

meehh. it was not a fun day. nothing good happened. and i even had BROWNIES. yeah, it was that bad. they weren’t “special” brownies, but just really yummy brownies. 

i got yelled at by Mr. Bearden for not doing homework that was not assigned until Sunday night on his website, which I failed to check on fucking Sunday night. ugh. 

and then lunch was really awkward because matt butschek jokingly put his arm around me but it then got awkward and i was not okay with it and i hate it that he has such a giant crush on me and theres nothing i can do about it because we’re good friends and i need you here to give me advice! tell me what to do with my life! you need to be here to put that kid in his place! 

and in government i had to talk to susy salcedo and it was horrible because i hate her. in fact, i hate most people in that class. it was just not a good class. 

then in APES we’re building this passive solar heater and i feel like my design is absolutely terrible and im going to fail. but whatever. it looks like some weird martian thing. 

i was going to go see Ally tonight with Anna but her mom wouldnt let her go because the roads were really traffic-y when we wanted to go and didnt like her driving in traffic. i said i could drive but her mom is really protective and a bit overbearing. 

ugh. 

im exhausted. 

my neck hurts. 

i love you. 

can you be here to give me a back massage that perhaps turns into something more? i would like that very much. i love you so much. 

hi(: it is sunday so there’s not really much to talk about… 

but i was *ahem* studying and Anna called me and asked me to drive her all the way out to the tattoo place we went to yesterday because she left her ID there and cant drive without it and its in lewisville and its so far away and i had to put on clothes. ugh. such a hassle. and i almost ran out of gas. so much work. so much effort. 

sundays are the day to be lazy. sunday you don’t do work. that’s what sundays are for. 

so when we got back, she went to go see Star Wars in 3D with her boyfriend and I took a nap until my mom got home. 

Then we went out for our usual sunday dinner (at breadwinners) and discussed what college will be like. im scared. its going to be petrifying being all the way out there not knowing anyone. i dont know what im going to do. i wish you were here to give me advice and tell me that it will all work out. or tell me that you’re going up there too and we’ll go through it all together. that is also a plan. 

but anyway, we came home and watched the oscars until my mom fell asleep. she’s still passed out on the couch. i cant tell it was the half pound of pasta or the bottle of wine that did her in, but either way, she’s spooning sam under a snuggie. i’m not going to wake the sleeping beauty. just so you understand the full effect of whats going on here, here is a picture of my mother sleeping in the jardin du luxembourg 

aint she a classy one?

now you can just picture that face on my couch, with the oscars on tv, she’s covered in a leopard print snuggie, and there is an empty wine bottle on the floor. classy.

i dont know why i’m describing this in such great detail. it made me laugh. it still makes me laugh. you can just ignore me now. i’m not entertaining. 

but I LOVE YOU. and i miss you so much and i simply cannot wait until you return. 

hello again(: 

well, i went with Anna Strakele today to go get her cartilage pierced. We drove all the way out to Lewisville to go to a place that Chloe recommended. and it was probably worth it. the guy was really nice and the place seemed really clean and respectable. it was lovely spending the day with her. she just gets me. i can tell her literally anything and she wont judge me. like, we went hot tubbing and i really had to pee but i didn’t want to go inside and get everything all wet so i peed in the bushes and she’s never told anyone. oh wow. i just realized how disgusting that sounded. im sorry. erase that from your mind. that never happened. i am a lady. ladies don’t pee or excrete any bodily functions ever. im just going to stop because im embarrassing myself. 

alright. so it was actually quite a long time to get her piercing done, so we didnt do much except that. she was going to see a movie with her boyfriend after we got back, but he was too tired and ditched, so we stayed in and made brownies and watched cheesy romantic comedies. it was enjoyable. 

and now im here. spooning with joe and listening to beautiful music. life is good. its a good day. i wish you were here to share in my good days. i want you to come back here right away. i love you so much. i think about you every day and how much i need you. i love you. 

BAAAABY! it’s friday and im staying in. therefore, i will use this time to be productive and listen to the xx and write to you(: 

anyway. today was just weird. not bad, just weird. 

during dance we had a written test on modern dance (weird, right?) but charlene showed me this screencap she took last night on facebook of certain bitches who were mocking me. 

i would probably care more if they actually picked something negative about me to mock, but instead, they just made lovely comments about my horseback riding and intelligence. i would also probably care more if i actually cared about their opinions of me. 

this is where the conversation is currently at: 

the weird thing is that i dont even know who the fuck Malic poole is. wtf? but megan parry. i posted something on my tumblr about this and she instantly went and posted this. Dude, seriously. She’s so awesome. I’ve talked to her like, ONCE, and she goes and does something like this. kudos. i respect that. she’s a really cool person. i kinda wish i knew her better. i feel like we could be friends. we’re both very cynical and sarcastic with dry humor. anyway. it made me happy that at least someone noticed. oh and in APES when we go around and talk about what we did this weekend, I sit next to Marianna and Cori (etc..) and i’m just going to be all like, “i just did a bunch of crazy stuff, and studied a lot of mathematics, and became number one in the nation about horseback riding.”  anyway, i dont care anymore. seriously. 

the rest of the day was just decent. i think i totally bombed an english test today. i should probably start reading all the books and studying and stuff, but hey, im a seniorrrr. 

we worked on our competition songs in musical theatre and i hate my songs, but they sound decent so i guess i have to live with that. i seriously wish that diaz would let us pick our own music. i have to sing some 50s crap. not that the 50s didnt have good music, but 50s broadway. yeah. 

oh and during theatre, i was called down to mr. gaffney’s office and he told me to stop talking about sex because it makes people feel uncomfortable. that part just kind of made me laugh. he was just like, “i got a complaint from a student who will remain anonymous, but heard you talking about having sex and felt uncomfortable with that. now, i can’t dictate your personal life, but just watch who you say stuff in front of.” it was really awkward and i definitely do not talk about sex all that often. especially HAVING sex. i havent had sex in such a long time. goddamnit. it was just a weird experience overall. 

but then i came home and just ate and cuddled with joe. everything was a little better then because joe is a great cuddler. (okay, now just replace yourself with my cat please, and you can just live in my house and sleep in my bed and i can pet you and make you purr) 

OHHH and we had a guest speaker who literally jumped off her bed and paralyzed herself. i know its horrible and i definitely should not find any humor in it, but its pretty funny imagining her diving head first off the foot of her bed. i know i know i know im a terrible person. im sorry. but anyway, her name was renee and through the whole thing i thought she was talking about me. and she also gave us a lecture about not settling for boyfriends. and i think i did pretty damn well for myself(: i mean, i cant think of anyone better! 

lets run away. i dont want to be here anymore without you. im gonna run to idaho and pick you up and then we can run away to ….. California? Why not. Let’s go to California. I really need you to be here. I need to see you. The last couple of days, for absolutely no reason, i thought you would just show up. but of course, you did not. and then today, right after school, i had this horrible feeling that something terrible was happening with you. and it really worried me. and it still kinda does. i want to talk to you. i want to hear your voice and your laugh and your everything. i miss your everything. i miss every single piece of you. goddaaaaamn. i love you. im constantly thinking about you. like right now. and all the time. and the only way to get my train of thought back where it needs to be so i can learn “everything in the mathematics world” is to see you again. i need to be with you. i love you so much and i cant express that to you enough. i love you. i cant say it enough. i love you. i love you. i love you.